We are in the end days….glad to be left behind

so I guess the news is buzzing with the news of the Duggar kid and the molestation allegations.  I say allegations, although he confessed and resigned his position as an arrogant, religious, right-winged, I’m better than you are, judgy, executive with some company called:  Family Research Counsil.  Which, basically, and don’t quote me on this, because I’ve never heard of it until tonight, but it sounds like a company of haters who use Jesus for whatever their given purpose is for “that time”. Oh, today we will protest gay people and abortions.  Not realizing their executive director, in the corner office, was a confessed child molester.

In looking at this from a glass half-full perspective, if this Family Research Counsil has learned anything, perhaps they will implement better beck ground checks?  I dunno,  I’m just trying to keep myself from falling down the “when will they ever learn” rabbit hole.  Honestly, is anyone shocked?  Can they please cancel this show now?  And another high fa-luting Christian falls off the throne…   Of course the rents say this happening to theirs family only “strengthened” their faith.  Of course it did.,, can I buy you a bag of oranges?

But not one word said about the ‘victims’ of this molestation.  The poor girls who were molested.  And I am heartbroken for them. Not just then, but NOW.  They suffered the abuse then, and NOW they will have to relive it, ready or not, here it is.  Prepared to face it or not, it’s back to haunt you – just as it always resurfaces…it doesn’t go away.  I KNOW!  And my heart goes out to the VICTIMS of this horrible CRIME! (Yes, crime!  That the Duggar PARENTS covered up and shoved under the rug, as so many families do.  Which, by the way, speaking from my own experience, causes only MORE shame for the victims.)  SHAME ON JIM-BOB AND MICHELLE DUGGAR!  Shame on the *christians* who are supporting their actions.  This is why so many survivors continue to live wish deep-seeded shame and self-blame,  and never ever heal.  It is not just sinful, reprehensible, and repugnant; it is a crime.  And they covered it up.  You can ask God for forgiveness and  that may “absolve” you of your sins -but that doesn’t change what he did was a crime.  And you are hypocrites for judging gay and lesbians for simply being who they are…and also being law-abiding, albeit gay citizens, which is perfectly legal.  SHAME ON YOU!

And TLC – The Network that cancelled Honey Boo Boo when the Scandal hit is running a marathon of 19 kids and counting marathon.  Stay classy – TLC… Stay classy!   Another example of why survivors of sexual abuse do not come forward, and live with mental and physical disabilities from the abuse for the rest of their lives… and TLC is PROMOTING this now.  Way to go!  TLC!


If those are the rapture trumpets – Jesus may wanna tune up his band

or maybe he’s rooting for the underdog – which is totally cool… No judgment (that’s HIS job, by mine).  I’m just sayin- we are all sinners but if the anesteiologist is a “less” sinner than me, and I get left behind while he is taken while administering my “rockin mj” drug- i am screwed.  No second chances, no 7 years of tribulation, just straight to hell!  Which, probably… I shoulda packed my hand basket… Cuz- fore-shadowing.  

Lemme back up.  My delightful friend- whom I love dearly and probably remembers more stories I do- text me today to alert me to some new “rapture happenens” in the world.  Now, my obsession (or, major panic/anxiety) about the rapture began when I was a child and my grandmother (God love her) used to read to my brother and I from the book of revelations & I become obsessed with going to hell.  As you can imagine this was a horrible fear for a child, and as an abused “bad” child- I had no ticket out! It wa straight to hell for me- I was a sinner!  My anxiety grew to such an enormous level that I began to dream about the rapture! And in one of my dreams, I was walking to my grandmother’s door, the sky opened up, the trumpets sounded (they were beautiful and in tune) Jesus emerged from the billowy clouds and his people began to float up to the sky.  And my grandmother walked over to me, looked up at Jesus and then said, “this is not a dream G”.   In my dream!  She said that!  My dream went on- I did not go to heaven but stayed on earth, amidst fire and war, and satan… And it fucking sucked!    (Or much like earth is now- you decide) 

My friend’s ex husband is a very religious man, and when 9/11 happened – it was complete chaos- I was working but I called her (she was a stay at home mom at the time) and her husband answered the phone.  I exclaimed, in my panic, “Thank god you answered- I thought the rapture happened and I got left behind.”  So this is what she refers to today in her texts.  



 So I said “do I cancel my surgery tomorrow – like” due to the rapture?” And she laughed! But she isnt the one  who’s going under and worried the guy administering the drugs might be sitting at Jesus’s right side while I’m unconscious – so there’s that! 
I watched the Visio, btw- it honestly sounds more like a herd of injured elephants than trumpets… But then I thought “Jesus wouldn’t pick the first chair trumpet players, right? He’s go for the underdogs…” 

And so the cycle begins…  Thanks Al, thanks a lot… Pray harder…  Pray harder….  

When it rains, it pours

there are some days I am reminded of my limitations.   Sometimes it is subtle…those are the times that come and go, that are like the subtle waves of a calm day on the beach.  Other days are like the rough ride, what threw then to sweep you out to sea and you sink you feet into the sand with all of your might to stay on dry ground.  Yet you know the ocean is much more powerful than you and you wonder opif perhaps it would be better to just let yourself go, to let the tide sweep you out to sea… Maybe you can tread water hold your own, stay afloat, until it washes you back in again.  It’s happened before.

This week has been one of those weeks… One of the weeks where not one, not two, but three docs call on the same day, where you have to follow up on scripts and tests and bills and work.  Where there’s not one but two “holidays” to get through.   The tide goes out…

Then you plan a lunch with some friends,  maybe the tide will roll back in, the warmth of the sand will make you feel more grounded here.  You can’t find a parking space, the weather isn’t warm, but it’s still a positive move.  You return two physician calls,  and park two blocks away from the restaurant.  This is good.  You have been looking forward to this social  time.  You can see one of your girlfriends a block in front of you.  You yell ypher name but she doesn’t hear you.  You can’t walk faster because your hip is aching and your limp is distinguished.  The next blocks feels like a mile.  You start to wonder if people notice your limp.  You know you look good on the outside.  Even though you are cold and achy inside.

They just don’t seem to get easier.   As an old mentor used to say to me repeatedly, “if we can just get through this”.  Now, it is next week:  there will be more decisions to make following this scan in relation to other treatments.

So maybe thats how the days will continue to be: torn with internal  tension. The quiet moments of grace and the sharp moments of disappointment that feel like they cut with every turn. They live in tension together daily. The celebrated and the mourned. The heartache and hope. Hope filled prayers for healing and broken laments for that which she continues to face. And somehow one doesn’t cancel the other.

I suppose that’s life… 

I think I was road raped

To the bitch in the white Yukon who rode my ass all the way to Boulder this morning… I’m sorry I didn’t bring any lube with me but thanks for the quickie at 750 this morning.  Is that what one would call “road rape”?   Honestly, even IF you could have plowed your big ass SUV through me, you would have run straight into another fucking car…it’s called “morning traffic”. Perhaps you need to leave earlier in the morning…OR… wear shoes that aren’t full of lead…OR…call your boss and say you’re gonna be late…OR….lay of the caffeine in the morning.  Because I’ve made this trip on many mornings, at this exact time, and the traffic is ALWAYS like this.  I did think it was smooth when you thought you could pass 25 cars in a turn lane that was ending in 200 feet.  What were you thinking?  I’ve never seen a Yukon in the Indy 500.

Cuz my ass is still chapped!

So many options….so little time (see what I did there?  Cuz you were obviously running late- or someone cut your break line.  In which case, I apologize and accept the road-ride)

Somewhere over the rainbow 

and tonight this happened in our backyard…

And I thought,  maybe this is a sign…  If all the little bluebirds fly here- why can’t I…

44 Wishes for a Wine Bitch 

i just said I had 44 wishes and then tonight my bf took me to dinner and she gave me this awesome present … And now I can wish every day!!! (No, I cannot tell you what I wish for, because then it will not come true- don’t even ask….)

 She also gave me bubble bath and called me a whiny bitch

Or maybe she gave me a glass that said “fill me with wine, bitch” which is also awesome…so either way! She rocks!

From brunette to platinum!

I wish on us… Every time! XOX!