Miracles  happen… They happened to the Stanley’s, as we learned today on our historical tour.  They can happen.   I (at times) still have hope.   We spent the day Estes Park and at the Stanley a hotel, my friends and our daughters and it was so-much-fun (despite some physical pain I have, I still kept up, mostly).  We had a fabulous day.  We had lunch, shopped, took a tour of the hotel, had dinner, drinks, sat outside on the sprawling porch, took in the view of the rocky mountiwns, and talked, laughed, and reminisced.  

It was perfect…

Elevator selfie! 


Fun in the fun! And at the miniature Stanley hours before the tour … Seeing double…


  Dinner and underground tour… Quartz is healing ( I prefer this to mindfullness bs)




Here’s Johnny!!!


 Let everyone be healed. At least for today. 




You did not break me- I’m still fighting for peace

I’ve been through a lot. And at times it still overwhelms me.  But there really isn’t ant “one” person out there who can break me (so if you think you can, please don’t flatter yourself). Because I don’t depend on people, not emotionally, not financially, not physically… I just don’t.  I briefly let my guard down, for a minute, but that was a huge mistake.  Like giant!!!  Lesson learned. Will never do that again. Ever.

I have a lot of friends visitingin the next couple of weeks.  It’s sort of weird.  But whatever.  

Tonight my friend is coming from the Midwest.  I had a total mom crush on her when I was a kid.  She was my softball coach and I wished so much that she was my mom. She was a probation officer and I used to go hang out at her office… Until she moved three hours away.  Then she would occasionally call, and write.  I was devesated.  It was another person who left me in hell. 

I got over it, grew up, moved on. Went to college.  Even in college I used to visit her. We never lost touch. Hell, she came to my graduation, which is more than my bio mother did.  She remarried…twice.  My daugher was her flower girl in her third marriage.  Then I moved the country. We spoke a few times, kept in touch via facebook. Ya know the usual.  

Then she said she was coming to visit. Weird.  Whatever.  I mean, she’s welcome, and I care, but I’m not like mom-crushing on her anymore.  That ship has sailed.  My kids don’t even know her name when I speak it.  I just don’t get attached to people.  I have an elastic heart.  You can’t break me- I won’t  let you.  So don’t ever flatter yourself into thinking you have that sort of power over me.  Like ever….

We’ll get through this together

i know you don’t know  and maybe I don’t either, but together we’ll figure it out.

I so long to hear that… I’ve never known that feeling- those words. I KNOW how to do it on my own, by myself! But damn! That gets tiring, yA know?  Always being the one to figure it out. Carrying the weight of it all. I’m so tired. 

I just wanted for once to hear that “we” would get through it… But I guess there will never be a “we”- 

That’s all…

We don’t go together at all

my 13 year old posted this on her instagram account.  And I was like “damn! I hate it when the 13 year old is smarter than me!” And not just *thinks* she’s smarter – like all 13 yeAr olds do, but is actually smarter…

Cuz – the ginger is keeping it real with this shit!

Yup… Sometimes it’s not even a “you say po-ta-TO- I say po-TA-to…kinda thing.  It’s like “I don’t think our personalies mesh at the fuck all.”  Kinda  thing -

Forgiveness, is such a simple word

….but it’s ssoooo hard to do, when you’ve been hurt. 

I was watching a show recently, and the priest said to a woman, who had lost her fiancé in an accident on their wedding day, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”  Which is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.  Because really… I just don’t get that.  Like, at the fuck all.  I dare a priest to say that shit to me.  I’d go off… I’d be way more than he could handle.  Which, I suppose is ironic… But really, it makes no sense, that some people have so much thrown at them there’s no way they could recover, and then there’s Iike Paris Hilton. It’s baffling.  So fuck off.  That’s no kind of answer.  There’s no “good” to come from that evil. And don’t try to tell me that I should look at how much jesus suffered for us because even if I did believe that, hello- he was god’s son, so…wtf? He was sort of promised a light at the end of his tunnel and like a manion and eternal life and peace.  So again, fuck that.  I’m not.  Hell, my father, and step-father were abusive alcoholics, not God the creator. 

That wasn’t even where I was going with this but I forgot now, because I got all caught up in the jesus thing… And all the people like “it’s a shame he had to die for our sins” and Jesus was probly like “I wouldn’t if someone would get a ladder and a pair of pliers”. But no one did.  Like today, everyone just stood around and watched the savior get crucified because they were too busy, or “didn’t wanna get involved”.  Or, it wasn’t their “problem”.  Whatever.  But, as is typically the case, it makes us all feel better to find some good in evil.  He died for us!  So typical. We should forgive others as Jesus forgave us.  

Yeah, that’s so hard to do…  I heard on CNN this morning that over 20% of Americans do not believe in God.  A part of me wondered…but another part of me believes the world has always been fucked up.  Is it more fucked us now? Or are we just as judgmental, just as willing to turn away from things- but more willing to report our findings on how terrible we actually are, as a society?  

I think it’s probably the latter.  I know for me personally things do not seem any more intense, or dire, than they did 30 years ago,  it just seems like people are more aware of them.  Do not confuse that with “doing anything to change things”  that is not what I’m saying.  I’m saying we are just announcing our stupidity, and abnormal behavior in a  more public way.  That is not the same as being willing to make a change.  

Myself included.  I try- but I find myself falling back into the same old habits.  Hell I recently visited a tanning salon and I’ve had melanoma for fucks sake.  It doesn’t get much more stupid than that. 

Recently, I had a conversation with someone and I was saying that we should all just stop trying to change and “accept” things as they are. And somehow we got off on a tangent of the fracking and she went off on the fracking and how unhealthy it was and how it’s so bad for the environment, and I found myself laughing on the inside, singing the alanis morissette song, “isn’t it ironic” considering this same woman was about to board a transcontinental  flight the next day.  Was her plane going to be fueled with grain?  Oh, oil?  Oh, I suppose we should worry about the oil fracking after she gets back.  Or maybe overseas oil is better.  Or, cake and eat it too… Or maybe I really don’t give a shit about this person’s view on fracking, honestly.  Because it really isn’t relevant to our (tumultuous) relationship  We are not friends.  So save it for them.  However, her vi ing her judgement about my parenting skills is.  Which, I believe, are pretty awesome, and feel free to ask my children.  

Forgiveness, is such a simple word…but it’s so hard to do, when you’ve been hurt…I hear the weather’s nice in California….  And just in case, you’re wondering about me…

Did you think I didn’t need you here?  to hold my hand – to dry my tears.  Did you even miss me through the years at all?  

I hear the weather’s nice in California.  There’s sunny skies as far as the eye can see…. 

Your little girl is off… Your little girl is off…  

We’re all crazy here

You may have heard about the tragedy near my town.  A woman who answered a Craigslist ad for baby things had her unborn child cut from her womb by the woman who placed the ad.  The baby died, the mother will recover, although I cannot fathom the post-trauma she will suffer as a result.  There are about a billion articles circulating about this story, all of them probably with a comment (or 100) of: wtf! Who could do such a thing?!?!?

And while I cannot fathom the thought process of this woman who obviously premeditated this event, the article that had me the most concerned was the one where her ex was interviewed and stated she was completely normal. Completely normal.  Let me say that again: the woman who advertised on Craigslist, luered a pregnant woman to her home, cut a baby out of said woman (that had it been born in the hospital, would have had a chance for survival) and left the mother of the baby alone to bleed to death- was, according to her (recent) ex, completely normal, and never displayed any sort of mental disturbance, at all.  Really?

Wow!  Either he is completely clueless….or….he’s covering his ass…or…he just doesn’t give a shit…or he’s really fucking stupid.  Because I cannot fathom there weren’t any *signs* that she was perhaps a little distressed, even if they were some what subtle, and maybe she tried to reach out once, or twice?   Maybe I’m wrong.  And I’d believe him if she didn’t premeditated the whole thing.  Like, really, if she just spontaneously freaked totally out and did this…maybe- total break with reality.  But she planned it!  Like Amy in Gone Girl, planned it.  Placed an ad, studied c-sections, faked a pregnancy.  She was grade-A disturbed!  And I’m using my church words.  Maybe they should interview her girlfriends.  If she has any.   She probably “kept to herself”.

The whole thing is such a tragedy.  Just horrific.

On another (related) note, I’ve always been afraid of Craigslist.  Holy shit! People get murdered answering ads!  Of course I admit I’m a bit on the paranoid side…  You can ask any of my friends.  They know.