Last weekend I got an IM on facebook from a childhood friend asking me if my older brother HS passed away. The honest answer is I don’t know, we haven’t been in touch in many many years, and I would like to think that another family member that I don’t really speak to would tell me if he did, but I don’t know. So in as many words, I told her this. Then a day later, another classmate asked me the same question. Then on Tuesday, yet another classmate. By now, I’m feeling awkward telling all of these people how dysfunctional our family is and that not only have J and I not spoken in several years, but neither is there anyone else in my family I am really in contact I can ask. This feels very exposed to me. So instead of responding, at this point, I send a message to my sister-in-law, my younger brother’s wife and pose the question to her, realizing she may not answer me, or have any information.
She does answer me, with a question. “Really? We have not heard that! G (my little brother) does get to ‘home town’ some to visit old friends but he hasn’t spoken to J or seen the host body in months. I’ll have him *listen* better.
The classmate who sent me the third message, said she saw something in the paper, so I asked my friend J who’s father lives in the town where we grew up and works for the University as a law professor, to see if he can find anything in the paper. I checked all the local funeral homes, but saw nothing, and it did occur to me that he does not have the resources to be able to afford a funeral even if it is him who died. So… Time will tell.
I have been taking these trips in my head, in the meantime. How will I feel if my brother did pass away, at age 45? It could happen. He is a drug addict, alcoholic, with a tendency toward depression…the possibility is not far fetched. I also went in to stalk what he has publicly posted on his FB page, and the last post was from jan 17th, something like: I’m feeling very down today, just thought I’d throw that out there. (Ok….).
When my sil responded she added some additional information about my lovely bloodline. Things that made me smh and raise an eyebrow at those crazies. She told me that her daughter moved in with my older brother for awhile. (What???) when she broke up with her boyfriend, and he stole her TV and took it to a pawn shop and pawned it. (This did not surprise me). I guess he hasn’t changed in the least. And I guess I was left wondering why my niece thought it was a good move to live with j ever, ever, effing ever. Or why my younger bro and sil would let this happen knowing how he is.
When I was in HS he pawned my flute…when I was in the symphonic band and had to play it every day for school. And I had it use my money to get it back. He’s was total dick in the 80s and I guess that hasn’t changed. “It’s the drugs that made him do it.” (But he’s a really nice guy underneath? I doubt it very seriously)
Strangely, I do not spend a lot of time thinking about him, but a few weeks ago, my oldest niece, his daughter, has been going through some problems and I saw that he had commented on her fb page. Being in my current state of mind, I actually sent her w message telling that she’d better be careful if she was planning to reconnect with him since he’s w druggie who left her when she was three and she ended up being protituted by her bio mother and then in foster care. Who forgives for that? She claimed she wasn’t, but I noticed he’s in her friend list so I didn’t say anything after that. Sometimes we all need to learn lessons multiple times.
But I don’t know how I’ll feel if it ends up being him. This man with the same name and same age who has apparently died in the same town. Will I feel like this is another chapter in my life that has ended. Will I be sad? Will I wish I would have reached out to him?
I don’t know….