Bring me back a *word*

“Bring me back a word!” Charlotte called after Templeton. “I shall be writing for the last time.” (Charlotte’s Web ~ E. B. White)

It wasn’t unusual to find it written on my elementary school report cards that I was an excellent student that tended to talk a little too much. Now I fumble with words. And it’s not unusual for me to fumble with what I’m trying to say, unable to find the right words. I have no Templeton to ask to go find me a word. Sometimes I want to scream, “Can’t you hear what’s going on inside my head?” my crazy head that I should be able to control…maybe by doing a craft i could feel less anxiety about my “situation”. I sit there and all I can think about is distracting myself…maybe I should color. 

I long to be the woman everyone thinks I am IRL. The one one who never gives up, the one who never loses faith. Everyone loves that girl- gawd! I love that girl- but she doesn’t even exist. This morning I woke up so angry at the world and pissed off that life is so unfair…and I ache with rawness. Sometimes I miss my gramma so much. She always had hope- she never lost her faith. I want to have hope. I need that faith now. Everything in my life is riding on hope and faith now and I feel empty except for the sickness. 

I can feel myself shutting down more and more with each tick of the clock. I told a friend of mine the other night I don’t feel as close to people as I did. There was a period of a few months where I did find myself reaching out more to people IRL – and I’m not sure exactly what changed internally when that switch flipped back again, but it did. And I will once again only rely on myself, or do without, rather than ask someone for something. I don’t have the words to explain how I have felt  throughout this illness. I hold on loosely to a sense of abandonment and general sense of being lost and alone and HURT, but it ebbs and flows, much like the tide. Once the hurt lessens and the tide goes out, I can rest in the warm sand, but not too much, as I know it will come back and try to take me with it.   I try to hold no grudges now, realizing the issue lies within myself, and that has  lessened my sense of neediness, or, perhaps confirmed for me that really there is no one to fight or blame. The enemy has always been, and still is in, within me. The enemy is me. And I try to accept that, without accepting her. 

Although the root of the issue is never resolved, the affirmation again and again in this traumatic situation is just reaffirming of the old sense of being alone in this that I can now surrender to it and know that it just is. War happens when both sides believe only their own story. “Never mind. You’ll never Understand. Just know I needed you but you didn’t care then and you ripped me apart like a rabid pit-bull. And left me even more broken then when you found me.” Maybe healing begins when both sides can see that the other side believes them. But know I will never again allow anyone close enough to me that I feel vulnerable and could get hurt. Perhaps that is part of the ‘human experience’ but, unlike cancer and my traumatic past, it is not part of me.   

The other night I was lying down and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. I could feel my heart pounding in every cell of my aching body. But I was not alone and I can’t show this side of myself to anyone else. I’ve spent the past 24 hours either vomiting or constantly nauseous, with a tiny torturous man banging on my left temple with some sort of ice pick.  I have been Begging  for it to just stop. So what do I do now? Just try to breathe… 

I don’t understand what I’ve done to provoke this continued confrontation in my bone marrow….this nonstop ongoing struggle, I cannot fathom the motive or the message. What is the grievance?    We make plans, we cancel plans.  We struggle, we rest.  We fight, we make up.  We laugh, we cry.  We are boisterous…we are silent… 

When you go out, please bring me back a *word*…

Drama or No Drama side?

I don’t know how to juggle everything.  And everyone.

But does anyone?  Probably not.

The hus has been across the country all week, traveling for business, and I’ve actually been happy about it.  Except for the fact  that my daughter has been sick and so have I, things at home have actually been running much easier than when he’s home.  I get angry because it feels like he doesn’t want to be the man of the house, and bring home the money, but he doesn’t want to be the woman and take care of the kids, so I’m not really sure what he expects his role to be around here.  Other than another child who wants to come and go as he pleases.  Perhaps he wishes to be a tenant and pay rent, occupy the basement.   Which, fine, that would at least define things.  Because whenever I bring things up, he just gets defensive. And I surely don’t feel like a “wife”… Not anymore…

My poor daughter feels like she had no relationship with her dad either, and I’m not sure what to do about that either.  He didn’t even ask about her this week during his being away, and she’s been sick all week, and that pisses me off, because I grew up with no father and how frustrating that must be for her, when he actually lives in the same house but isn’t really here for her.  Damn!  

I’m waiting on test results, shocker! Other than the fact that my heart function has contined to decline, I have no other news.  

I continue to work on my other relationships/friendships.  But as things evolve, I’ve learned that my two best friends are no longer willing to be friends with each other.  Well, that’s not exactly clear.  My one clearly “calm” friend, has no interest in being frieds with my “life isn’t life unless there’s drama” friend.  As in, not even for a birthday lunch kind of friend.  And I’m not exactly sure how to  continue to be friends with both of them.   And this is very sad for me, as we were really the three amigos for a long time.  And neither of them are the “confrontational” type, so all of this is already resting on my broken heart and I am not sure how to function.  My drama friend is like “can you plan a lunch with *calm* friend”? And calm friend is like ” I don’t want to go out with “dRama” friend, because although I would like to catch up with her, I don’t want to get caught up in her drama….”   You can see my dilemma.    And I love them both, but I’m caught in the middle. 

I wonder which will attend my memorial, is there a drama and a no drama side? Like a bride and groom side at a wedding?   

Buddha said (Probly a paraphrase and not a direct quote)

But excellent advice for anyone, I’d say… ?

I’ll have what she’s having

Holy Shit! My head hurts ssoooo bad and I’ve more issues than People magazine….

(null)

Unlike people, I just can’t find the words to “talk” about my *isssues*.

Where to go from here

So far this year has been a mixture of being swallowed up by daily life (and death), struggling with a lack of energy and creativity and just kind of drifting along my life without really being an active participant in it. When I am overwhelmed, I never have the mental clarity to write. Instead, I numb my brain and thoughts with constant distractions. I am truly afraid of what will happen if I’m left alone with my thoughts. Honestly, it scares me and I’m frightened beyond belief, so I just busy myself with this white noise, suspended in this state of “living” but not living. The ultimate pretender.

So much has happened. I have been hurt so much I feel even more angry and bitter, and I feel like it’s trying to swallow me whole, I’m constantly fighting not to let it overtake me. It’s like I’m paying off this infinite debt to some gruesome monster lurking under the stairs that never seems to leave. It just keeps taking pieces of me, one by one, and giving me nothing back in return -no guarantees, nothing but uncertainty. It is incredibly difficult to not want to lash out at the people closest to you and feel as if no one in this huge expansive world gets it. There is really nothing worse than feeling alone when there are good people all around you. Like my doctor said recently – I really don’t know what to say. This is uncharted territory.” Yeah… you can say that again. I feel like I am in this purgatory state that doesn’t seem to have many members. I don’t fit on either side and it incredibly isolating.

Moving on

I think that people don’t really change. I don’t know what that means – really – for me, or for you, or for anyone who is wandering through this world – but I guess we all just stretch, or bend, or accommodate in some way to live peacefully. Or maybe we don’t. And that’s why there is violence, and war, and hate, in the world…but the majority us must at some point learn to adapt because this isn’t McDonald’s…we can, for the most part “have it our way” …we just “can’t get crazy”, right? (I wish I could run everyone I meet by my Saint Bernard because she has an uncanny knack for sniffing out assholes)

I have had an insane amount of “crazy” in my lifetime – more than enough to fill up 10 lifetimes…and I feel that I’ve been adaptable (some might disagree) but I honestly think I’m quite stretchy. Thank you very much. I mean, I’m not like as stretchy as Elastigirl (which, ironcially, my husband has been compared to Mr. Incredible…but that’s a whole other post) but who wants to be THAT stretchy (I mean other than the childbirth thing – she probably has some real stretchmark issues after age 40… just saying…) And as usual, I forgot where I was going with this whole thing and I sort of just want to go watch The Incredibles now, and maybe Nemo…and Monsters, Inc. the first one – because the second one sucked…no offense Disney.

oh, it was something about being adaptable and stretchy… like Elastigirl – and jeggings…

Since November I’ve been eating xanax like Pez and even prior to that I felt like Tina Turner, in a “Hit me again Ike…” kinda way, not as in I bet the next song I sing will bank me some serious coin, way.

I wonder sometimes if anyone knows me anymore…
Maybe that’s okay – because maybe that’s the way it was always supposed to be.
When I was little I used to tell everyone I was designed for public.
I feel like lately, I’m turning back into that kid… when I’m “her” – people really like her – she’s charismatic and strong and outgoing and people respond to her. Even I like her!

I started a new job this week and I am so fucking tired I can barely move. It’s funny though because when you look at me, you wouldn’t know it… because even though on the inside I’m sick and wilting (and these meds are giving me crazy nightmares!!!) on the outside I look amazing!

Someone asked me today if I told my new boss that I had *whisper* the cancer. Uh, no…why would they need to know…do you disclose everything about yourself when you start a new position? “Well, what if you get sick?” Uh – I’m ALREADY SICK…DUH!!!! I fucking push through – and deal with it! Didn’t I already learn that lesson? hello! I’m moving on… You should too!