You can’t “live and let live” when it comes to normalizing abuse. That is *no life*, and for some, it actually means death. It just does. I truly feel like it did for G, and probably many others like her. Yes, I know she was dying, I know that. But at the end of the road, she’d been there before- facing a choice to hold on or let go, she let go. Maybe part of me is angry about that. Not that she chose to let go, but that s o many times she felt that was her only choice. That’s what makes me so damn sad, and mad … what if…. I’ve spent this week with her baby girl and we’ve had so much fun. We’ve done pedicures and shopping and gone to see beauty and the beast. Then last night I turned her over to her best friend for the night and came home to do some more journal reading before picking her up this afternoon and I saw there was an arrest here locally, and the headline drew my attention as it was a “sexually violent predator” and I could hear G’s voice in my head. I miss my best friend so much.
I’m not saying she could have lived forever but maybe if she thought there was a choice. Maybe we could’ve done more research. And I will never forget the nights she fretted – the nights she was so fraught with doubt. The nights she hurt herself. Once badly. It was so sad. She was just so filled with sadness at times. That she was supposed to fill lifted up with life when the person who told her this existed was behind the scenes creating this doubt. And what was I to say!? No, you’re wrong, G… it was never there? Or you’re right G. Money is the winner! It’s the almighty dollar that prevails and if one can pay one can fuck whomever one wishes. I didn’t know what to say. When she saw her therapist had been the one who was with the one who bragged about getting those of sexual abuse crimes off – I truly didn’t know what to say. I’m so sad that that she died knowing she trusted someone who she felt didn’t care about her rights. She she knew life wasn’t fair yet she still wanted to try. And she cared so much about that woman whom she felt never loved her. How terrible…to die repeating old patterns and never finding an escape.
Tonight I think about this sexual predator and I wonder if he will be able to afford the best money can buy. And while life was so unfair to my bestie, I know she’s now at peace and isn’t here to see this and wonder if the one she trusted is intertwined in the defense of this violent sexual predator.
But here is the beauty of today….and the beauty of the past. And they both live within me. For that I am ever grateful.
Love you most, M