I gave up ‘fighting’ with other people because it takes all of my energy to deal with this disease and everything it throws at me. I dot have the energy for anything else. I bet some people think I’m much more agreeable now, or perhaps don’t care, or get angry about things. Sometimes I feel like my whole life has been a fight.
People are always saying things like, “You’re a fighter!” and “You can beat this!” and I sometimes just sort of smile at how everyone presumes what I can and cannot beat, or even that I want to try anymore. I love how everyone is always so positive and insistent about the concept of the war I’m fighting…when all I can think about is how it FEELS. People internalize what they see on TV or read in a book and they assume that’s everyone’s reality of ‘cancer’ but until they’ve actually participated in some way- seen what it’s like in “real life” they actually know nothing. Sometimes I do get angry at people – but then I realize they don’t really understand what it’s like. I didn’t…before.
I mean, I’m not normally a good receiver of bad news but I am pretty sure I have reached a new level of lunacy where I now hear only the negative pieces of the medical conversations and I think all of my own medical professionals are hiding things from me or flat out lying and I’m just being experimented on like some lab rat. And since lab rats dont talk- neither do I- I just look at them when they explain what “we’re” going to “try” next – and smile and nod my head and sign the paperwork. I mean honestly, my head is screaming “I don’t believe you! This isn’t going to work! You’re just going to kill me!”. But the words never come out of my mouth. Really, “they are doing everything thy can to save your life. You are very lucky grace – you’re working *with* some of the best oncologists in the country.” With? But frankly, I don’t trust them now- but don’t be offended- I don’t trust anyone. But let’s get started with the torture that they claim (again) might make me well. Shall we? Yes, we shall…and we did!
It really sucks not being able to talk about any of this…like I have to be so fake and guarded all the time because I’m so goddam afraid! The panic sucks so bad- I feel like I can’t breathe – I feel like I’m going to die….yeah, it sucks. But there’s no one to talk too about it! No one! Nope! No one! I wish I was normal. What 41 year old do you know who carries around a blue blanket like the kid from Charlie Brown….its because I’m insecure and untrusting. That’s why.
I never imagined how difficult this process was going to be emotionally. I don’t know from one day to the next if I’m making the right decisions. What if I’m not? And I’m incredibly scared, confused, isolated…But I can do this by myself. Like there’s a choice. I mean – I did when I was 5- (like there was a choice then) so I can now. If you tell people how scared and hurt you are they’ll just tell you to grow up! You’re not 5- you’re an adult now so just deal with it! Theres no reason to be scared. Or ignore you. Or worse- they’ll hurt you too. Hurting sucks.
I wish I didn’t feel so disconnected from everything – I wish I could find my way back home. I wish I could talk about all of it… yes, I “wish” this were not the case either…but it is. It really is…
I just feel so defeated today. I’m exhausted and in pain and frankly, it all just feels like a cruel joke. Not only am I still devastated from the test results now I’m still dealing with all of the shitty side effects of the chemo. And it sucks and now it’s like my body has betrayed me yet AGAIN! And frankly, it sucks. A LOT