Admitted with fever, leg aches, headaches, blood counts low. Received blood and platets. -home at 8pm last night and back in hospital at 9:30pm – with a fever. Fevers stayed low-grade till last night and now we are dealing with higher ones. Chills then sweats…same old story that has plagued us forever. All tests so far show negative for infections although the last cultures are not even 24 hrs old. Now they are checking for gvhd and continuing to rule out infections. I will get ct done Monday. I’d say it’s one big party but that’s a total lie and I have no humor right now. I’m completely wiped out and exhausted.
I want answers now but that won’t happen. I’m sssoooo tired of the ” waiting game”. Had little patience and humor what I did have is way gone….I am way past empty. Im wondering how much shit I’ll have to go through. I’ve tried the positive self talk. Tried to live a “normal” life- tried to distract mysel from the cancer demons. They always come back! I have no peace- definately no peace of mind, wtf did I do that’ was so wrong? Everything happens for a reason.l,lwhat is the fucking reason? God doesn’t give you anymore than you can handle. Really – well he sure has me mixed up with someone else cus I’m flat on the floor waving the white flag…see me? No…Not then – not now.not ever. I can’t do this anymore. I am so fucking tired. Just leave me here.