Angel, day 1

I have not actually had the emotional strength to get an update done and posted; my heart just has not been with it and I will have to post more at a later time. Although G knew for many weeks her diagnosis was terminal, she never gave up hope and her spirit continued to fight. The last few days of her life were incredibly hard. As someone who loves her dearly, it was very hard to watch her pain. I cannot Imagine how hard it was to go through. I find some relief knowing she is now finally pain free. Her final night on earth, G had an awful temp ranging as low as 101.7 all the way to 106.2; which was just shortly before she left this world. Always the fighter, even til the very end, I know in my heart she would have lived had there been any way possible. She wanted to fight, but her body just could not go on  any longer. Still today this all feels like a horrible nightmare. I do not know how I can bear the thought of not having her with us.

G’s worth was perhaps greater then she ever understood. Perhaps that was due to her scarred past and her pain of never truly understanding how dear she was to so many others….

I chose this Maya Angelo poem out of a book she kept close to her, as I feel it speaks to her life. So much physical and emotional pain that she was forced to endure while fighting for her life. I witnessed her laughing with nurses and doctors as they poked and prodded her body day after day, week after week, year after year. I watched her bite her tongue while she endured painful procedures. I watched her make medical personnel laugh with her sarcastic humor, while I could see in her eyes she was falling into anxiety hell. It was truly a blessing to know her. And a bigger blessing to love and be loved by her.

I believe this poem describes her journey perfectly.

Still I Rise – Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise