Joy & pain. Laughter & tears

I woke up today with you on my mind, thinking about your treatment and what went wrong. Thinking about how you slowly weakened in those last few weeks. Thinking about your last moments of consciousness. And the eternal “why?” question.

I feel like you are everywhere and nowhere at all. Sometimes sitting on the back deck I feel you sitting in the chair next to me smiling while we watch the sun set. At the restaurant I can hear you laughing as we decide to pick two things to split, and you have to order so many things “on the side”. I see you in your daughter. She is a miniature you. You are everywhere and nowhere at all. I feel constantly sick with grief and memories.

Hey, I miss you most, and I’ll see you soon… in all your wholeness. Finally, right? I bet you rock those wings, G. Probably you bedazzled the shit out of them. And I imagine shit is super fair there.
Love you most, M