it’s been a long day without you, my friend

…and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.

My god I had no idea how hard this would be… I really didn’t… we talked about it, I know. We worked through the details because you know how I am. But I guess I didn’t realize it would ever be the reality. And now that it is reality, it is just so much harder than I even imagined when we sobbed over our thoughts and plans, and your final wishes. I mean I knew it would be hard, I did, but I just didn’t realize it would be this hard. And that I would be this broken hearted. I guess I just didn’t know because the reality is I never wanted it to be. Plan for the worst doesn’t mean you want to be there.

Are you at peace? I know you fought so hard, you did… I know you were so sad that you didn’t have the closure you felt you needed- I saw that, and I read that. I’m so so sorry. I wanted it to be different for you too, G, I did. And we both know that it just wasn’t. You said you accepted it, I hope you really did. I want that so much for you.

But today was a good day, here- it was hard, but good. I love your baby as you loved her. And I know your heart was broken that you were not going to be here for her as you wished you could- as you never had. I wish and hope you knew that was not your fault. I know you felt like you never were lovable – and it was your fault, but it wasn’t true. None of it was true- sweet G- and I know you left the world thinking you weren’t good enough because of your mother (host body) and because of therapy and you thought you failed everyone, but you didn’t. You didn’t fail.

I wish I wouldn’t have read your mail, but I did. And in a way I’m glad I did. I am also angry and sad that your needs weren’t met, and you didn’t get what you needed, and I know you never got over it.  Nor did you even get that final closure you so desperately needed.  I’m sorry.  I know that it cut you and depressed than you ever let anyone know. I wish you would have found healing here, in the physical form, and I am so so sad that never happened for you.

But I am glad I have had the time to spend with your baby girl this wek, as I promised, and I want you to know she is doing “ok” – she’s hurting, she’s sad, she’s a little angry, but she’s  your legacy. And I have her. And you did good, G. You did good.  I wish I could talk to you, wherever you are….but instead I write you letters here.  It’s so not the same thing.  But it’s all I have now.

Last night we went and got pedicures and talked about school…and boys. Her toes look so pretty for competition today. Which as amazing to watch. Not just her, but all of the teams. It was awesome. They got sixth place but they were robbed. I think you would agree. The irony of the show being called “Trapped In My Head” was not lost on me. I know that’s how you spent most of you life. I won’t let that happen to A.

Tomorrow we are going on a hike and to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. Maybe the mall if there’s time. Then it will only be a week before I see her again. Your ginger baby.

It has been a long day, filled with tears of sorrow and joy… it’s been a long day without you, my friend, and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again…

Love you most,
M

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