As we approach the month mark of G’s passing, I have to say that selfishly this is the most painful thing I have ever endured.
Everything has been such a blur – conversations, activities and quite frankly at this point, the days. The last days have been ones of mixed emotions. I don’t know if I should cry, if it is right to laugh, if I should be angry or if I should be at peace. In any given minute, I can probably feel all of those emotions. Sometimes consecutively, sometimes simultaneously. I know that the numbness has not worn off and the reality that G’s absence is for a lifetime is something that hasn’t hit me yet. And, quite frankly I am petrified for the time it does. I hurt now and I can only imagine how many more pieces my heart will break into when reality rears its ugly head. This is what therapy is for, I suppose.
I feel like G was everyone’s friend. She had the kind of beautiful spirit that radiated and made you feel like you knew her. She reminded you of an old soul, an old friend, or one you wish you had. She was kind, sweet, strong, brave and loving. She was a true warrior princess in every essence of the words. She was true at heart. She honestly never met a stranger, or at least not for long. It never ceased to amaze me how she’d quickly make friends with a bartender, a pilot, or the group of middle aged women standing next to us at a concert. And it was not just causal conversation. She would stay in touch with these people. She had a knack for bringing people together.
Despite having the odds against her, she never gave up. She was very brave and she will always be my hero. She was a true gift to this world, and an inspiration to many. I am proud to be called her best friend. And, while G had found her own ways to get through a moment, an hour or a day, I have needed to do the same. For me, it’s the music. As the saying goes– when you are happy you enjoy the music, but when you are sad you understand the lyrics.
When people ask me how I am doing, I have to say that two words sum it up best. IT SUCKS. Cancer sucks and it changes you forever. Every day hundreds of patients walk apprehensively through the doors of a cancer clinic to begin their treatment. They slowly shuffle in and peer around at the staff, volunteers, and dozens of bald-headed people and silently whisper “God, please let me wake up from this nightmare.” I admit I’m tired of the horrors of cancer. And from the depths of my soul, I’m angry that we are grieving the loss of our G because the horrible beast called cancer. I know that at the end, she was so tired. But she was still so brave. She tried so hard to wake up, but when she finally knew she couldn’t, she accepted it. At least she said she did, and I hope she did. I want to believe that.
Cancer knows no boundaries; it strikes without reason, it strikes without justification. My best friend was your best friend before she was attacked by the beast. She worked, she dreamed, she lived. She was strong, resilient, and one of the bravest warriors the world has ever imagined. She lived.
I ask myself why some are dealt such shit hands in this life. Why there is so much unfairness at times heaped upon some people. And the only answer I can come up with is this: we are all being tested for our will, our fortitude, our sense of compassion and humility. We live in a society of “ME,”. We need to change that thought to help those truly in need, as the real heroes are the ones fighting for their lives. Trust me when I tell you it is a good feeling to feel the love of a world celebrating the life of someone else. It is a good feeling to know your friend inspired people from across the coasts. It is a good feeling to know your friend’s strength, courage, bravery and selflessness was admired by many. It feels good to be proud of a woman that even in her death can teach us all how to be a better person. There is no better honor in this world than to have had the privilege of being her best friend.
Minutes before G became an angel, she whispered to me, I’m done. She was so tired…and she knew it was her time to go. It was so hard to let her go. I know she was ready, but I wasn’t. After she passed, I laid beside her holding her and crying. It wasn’t fair. Why should someone as beautiful as her need to leave. But she fought an honerable battle and her body was tired and now she is at peace. And I have to believe that God broke our hearts on February 20, 2017 to prove to us he only takes the best. Only the good die young.
Please, today take a moment to laugh – then take two moments to love and appreciate those in your life. Each day is a blessing. And please continue to remember the angels we have lost and to pray and support the warriors who are here today and those who are close to our hearts. And, please say a special prayer for G, our princesss warrior, now a crowned angel in heaven.
I love you most G,