Friday again, my friend. I miss you every day, but I think Friday’s are the worst days for me. Possibly since we spent every Friday together. I know you really struggled after the move, but at least we had planes and when we couldn’t be together we had Skype. But the worst part was not being with you when you got sicker. I know you could call me, but you didn’t. I know it was out of fear. But it was me. And the two times you did actually call and I saw it was your number on my phone, of course I thought the worst.
The feelings of helplessness I had when I couldn’t get to you to help you the time you needed me probably hurt me as much as you. And I know that’s why you didn’t call unless it was an emergency. Even when I told you I wanted you to call me. You wouldn’t. Fear ruled your brain. Or maybe you felt like I didn’t mean what I said. Or I didn’t care. And I know that’s why you think your therapist left you. And maybe that’s why she did. But I told you this then, and I’ll say it again, because even though you can’t hear me now, I need to say it today. That was her damn job, G. Just like it was mine, as your best friend. Her job was to help you retrain your brain, not reiterate what you already learned as a child that was so fucked up. You should have been able to rely on people to be there for you. You shouldn’t have had to worry about being alone and afraid. You shouldn’t have felt ashamed to call and say, “I’m afraid please just talk to me for a minute.” And I’m so so so sorry you felt that way. It wasn’t fair. And it should have been. You were loved. So much.
You were hurt over and over again, by others, by the people who by nature of the very relationships you should have been able to trust, by people who asked you to trust them, by yourself. None of this was fair. I read your words now and I know how you blamed yourself for all of it, how you punished yourself. And just when you started to learn to walk again, you were fatally struck by a disease that also doesn’t play fair. The ultimate lesson in unfairness, my friend. You always joked using her words, but I’m still crying real tears. I know you did, too.
Sometimes I think I can almost hear her voice talking about the unfairness of your life. But I have to believe you have the final laugh. Because why walk when you can fly.
Thanks for all the daily pics…I’m so glad I have them now
TGIF G, love you most, M.
Sent when G first started walking post ankle surgery.